I launched a very simple Google Action recently. Google Actions are those little bots that users can ‘talk’ to from within Google Assistant. The Actions are supposed to help us get things done, be more productive, or sometimes, just be less bored. Mine is called Roast Master. It doesn’t talk much. It only exists to insult you and those around you. While Roast Master does not help you to be more productive (unless your job description involves insulting people on a regular basis, in which case, you’re welcome ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) it does add a little pointless fun to life.

Clearly, we prefer pointless fun over productivity (who wouldn’t!), because this rude bot insulted more than 10,000 times in less than 24 hours after the launch.

This isn’t initial traffic either. We’re close to a 100,000 insults in a matter of week. That is more than any of the (moderately useful) apps I’ve created. And that includes heavily featured Monocle Giraffe and award winning Kodi Assist. Since there’s so much interest, here’s a primer on Roast Master.

Get Roast Master

Find your nearest Android phone (or a Google Home device pictured above) and say “Okay Google, Talk to Roast Master.” No downloads necessary.

In fact, you may say any of the following things:

• Talk to Roast Master
• Ask Roast Master to roast Jon
• Tell Roast Master to insult Jenn
• Ask Roast Master to roast my roommate
• Tell Roast Master to insult me

Be careful with that last one. It is pretty stingy.

Why Roast Master

A lot of thought and research went into creation of Roast Master. The chart below aptly summarizes the results of my research.

Verdict is clear. Humanity needs more elaborate, more *efficient *way to form relationships. Roast Master solves that problem. At a very high scale too! After all, what is your friend if not a Chundering Mince Hammer?

What’s Next

There are minor improvements that could make Roast Master a little more conversational.

Secondly, Roast Master must integrate with other assistants like Cortana and Alexa. Cortana is already accessible to millions of Windows 10 users (and, of course, Windows Phone users — all 21 of them) across the globe.

Alexa may not be as popular, but she surely has a very soothing voice. (Don’t believe me? You can ask your Google Assistant about Alexa.) Here is how Roast Master will sound on Alexa.

That’s about it. Got insult ideas? Send them my way.